by Deniece Smith
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Just because everyone's doing it doesn't make it OK. Can you think of anything the majority of people do that does not have a positive consequence? Consider excessively drinking, yelling, or not exercising. How about taking selfies?
Taking selfies is one of our most harmful actions because of the message it sends to our mind, especially when it’s repetitive. Here's why. We all experience a wide range of emotions, from the joy of witnessing nature to the pain of witnessing violence. What we don't realize is that human connection helps us regulate those emotions. In all interactions, everyone is having an effect on everyone else. Even when your experience is one of loneliness, it is having an effect on your family, your friends, your community. They are missing out on your participation. They suffer when you suffer. They benefit when you don’t suffer. So do you.
From a mindful perspective, every mental action (motivation) decides whether the action is good or bad, harmful or helpful. Here's an example: eating that dark chocolate almond
candy bar. If you eat it because you want it for yourself, it is the last one of its kind, and you need to get to it before your friend does, your action is self-serving and self-concerned. Therefore, it is negative. On the other hand, if you eat that dark chocolate almond candy bar because you save the milk chocolate one for your friend whose favorite is the milk chocolate one, your action is other-concerned, altruistic, and therefore positive. Your mental action brought your friend closer even when he was not standing by you. It connected you mentally.
Thinking of others connects you mentally to them, even when they are not with you. This is evident in the power of prayer. When you pray for someone, you experience the feeling of closeness and care for them - mentally. You may not be in their vicinity, but you feel close to them in your mind. “May my Aunt Rebecca be cured from her cold quickly.” You pray, and you feel a closeness to your Aunt Rebecca.
Behind every action we do there is a mental action, or motivation, for doing it. Let’s talk about the mental action of the selfie. First, there are almost 8 billion people in this world. The action of turning the camera on yourself cuts off all of them. Second, literally focusing on yourself narrows your perspective. You miss all of the perspectives that could help you see and understand everything better. Third, you completely miss the magical connection between you and others that helps you regulate your emotions. You actually cause yourself to experience lonely and isolated feelings. You cause our own depression and anxiety.
There are two types of selfies: alone and in a group. Either one drowns the mind with self-concern. The motivation that is involved in the selfie is extremely negative. Check this.
Let’s analyze a few common mental thoughts when taking selfies alone: “I hope someone desires me physically.” Now it’s nice to be desired, but if all you know to offer someone is physical, you will not feel a healthy connection with them. You will be used for what you offer. We are all offering something to the world. If all that you offer is physical beauty, you most probably will be left feeling empty and awful, searching for the next person to validate your physicality, but who will leave you yearning still for deeper connection. How about the thought, “I hate my nose.” Rather than loving your whole being, including your nose, this thought does not bring kindness and is actually harming to yourself. The thought perpetuates a negative mindset focused on you and what’s wrong with you.
Now let’s analyze the thoughts behind the selfie in a group of other people. “Hang on, I just need to take a quick picture of myself.” This thought actually cuts off the others to turn the attention onto yourself. You had the amazing opportunity to be and feel with other humans and you turned away from them while you isolated yourself. This is a double whammy of negative mental action, cutting off others, and cherishing yourself. Or what about this thought? “OK, now that I’ve gotten that shot of myself, you can come into the picture with me.” Super negative. You focused on yourself first. Guess what? Your friend felt it! How would you like it if your friend always put herself first and then might have time for you? It is really harmful. It is not what causes good feelings.
Let’s consider that you are now with your friend you wanted to spend time with, but why it just doesn’t seem to feel like you wish it would. What do you and your friend have to talk about in this selfie world? “I looked so good in that one picture I took of myself.” Seriously?! When is the last time you actually found joy listening to someone talk about the picture they took of themself? It completely cuts you off from them. You focus on you again. Eventually, they feel like you might just be happiest by yourself and they turn to someone else to hang out with. Someone who can connect with them. Someone not so obsessed with herself.
So what to do now? Everyone is taking selfies! You’re feeling the loneliness of the selfie world. You’re also feeling hopeless because everyone is doing it. There is good news. Let’s take a look at why you might want to get out of the selfie black hole.
Compassionate human connection is one of the greatest human gifts. It is so great that without it a baby will actually die. His Holiness the Dalai Lama says that without it a community will die. Why is it that we need compassion and what is it anyway? Compassion is a concern for the suffering of others and a willingness to act upon that concern. Like a loving mother who hears the needs of her young baby and soothes him, we also do this when we are truly connected with others. This is called emotional co-regulation. As a baby, we feel our mom’s heartbeat, our limbic system resonates with hers, and her calm helps us to calm. It is fairly easy to recognize this phenomenon with a mom and a baby.
Where we need to pay more attention is that in every interaction with another human being
we are co-regulating our emotions. If you find yourself in the presence of another being who is stressed out, you can experience the feelings of stress yourself. Or there can be that one
person that you’re just not sure why, but you don’t get a good feeling when you hang out with them. You might also say that you just don’t resonate with them. When we practice selfishness, our mind knows that we disregard the other person or people. It knows that we are acting in the benefit of one (ourself), rather than many, and that we were not generous, loving or compassionate. That self-obsession annihilates our ability to regulate our emotions with others.
If you are that rare person who can share plenty of eye contact, not with your phone, but with your friend, you will likely provide them with something they are lacking - connection. Eye contact is an invaluable tool for “reading” someone. It is one of the best ways that you can feel someone feeling you. Trauma expert, Thomas Hübl, states that in the experience of, “I feel you feeling me,” trauma can be healed.
You don’t want to perpetuate the trauma any more. You don’t want to be disconnected and you don’t want to be the one who disconnects. If you can put your phone down, and better yet, make a deal with your friend or family that you both put your phones down, you can create this opportunity to connect. When you get this connection you will begin to have hope that someone else understands you. When they understand you they can help you regulate emotions and make them bearable.
There is a truly magical force when someone can be with you in a big emotion and not be too scared to leave you alone in it. It’s as if they confirm that you will be OK shortly. It’s as if their lack of fear of you makes you not afraid of yourself. When you are not afraid of yourself, and you can learn to handle all kinds of emotions, you tend to feel more joy. When you feel more joy those around you do too. There is absolutely nothing that can happen in your phone that can duplicate the benefits of this relationship to another.
Other human beings can help us make emotions both bigger and smaller. It's important that we know how to choose friends who help us regulate our emotions most positively.
How do you reconnect? You become the primary caretaker of your mind. When you practice generosity, altruism, love, joy and compassion, this magical thing happens. You like yourself! Your own mind sees yourself as a strong, caring person who has enough to give, cares about others deeply, and can enjoy this moment. You see that others recognize this in you because you have eye contact with them. That positive feeling about yourself makes it more comfortable to connect with others. When you are connected with others, your emotions are more regulated. You can even experience the joy in helping another person regulate theirs!
There is a choice here: You can choose to continue down the dark and lonely selfie path or you can choose to reconnect with others, regulate your own emotions better, help them regulate theirs and feel more joy. It’s up to you.
How do we help our children? We don't take selfies. We practice eye contact. We listen with our whole person. We feel them feeling us. They feel us feeling them. We will heal our children if we can do this.
May you feel the magic of human connection.
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